*stop reading this if you don’t want spoilers*
I just finished reading A Song of Ice and Fire, and I have some ranting to do. I read a lot of detailed descriptions of food, but I read even more about people dying. A lot of people. A LOT. In my emotional dismay, I picked up some basic lessons on survival that clearly over half of George R. R. Martin’s characters never put together (sigh).
This is just a short list of things that I wished I could have screamed at the characters I loved, instead of hopelessly reading their demise from my sofa and resisting the urge to throw my book out the window. If for some reason you get magically transported to Essos or Westeros, here are a few tips on how to not die (But what do I know? I am just a young girl, unfamiliar with the ways of war. Lol I love Danaerys, but I digress).
- Do not go to weddings (duh), and do not get married. If you don’t die at your or someone else’s wedding (cough cough Joffrey, Robb, Catelyn, Frey’s jester grandson, Robb’s entire army, lots of Dothraki), you will get killed because of your spouse (Cersei killed Robert, Catelyn caused Ned’s death, Petyr Baelish killed Lysa Arryn. You get the point).
- Do not go South if you are a Stark. It will not end well. (“My father and brother went South and never returned, but I’m sure I will be FINE.” -Ned Stark, probably… smh)
- You know the giant ice wall? The one with the magical barrier that keeps evil magic things from passing? Yeah, you might want to stay south of that.
- If you do for some reason go north of that wall, and it gets dark, and you start feeling really cold randomly, RUNRUNRUNRUNRUNRUNRUNRUNRUN.
- Do not go hunting, and do not participate in tourneys. Especially if you’ve been drinking.
- Staying in a fight when you have no hope of winning, or blindly charging into battle when you’re outnumbered 20 to 1, is not a great idea, especially if you’re just doing it to get in some stupid song.
- Unless you are Victarion Greyjoy, who apparently can wipe out an entire ship of soldiers by himself.
- People who are notoriously power hungry, like Cersei and Petyr Baelish, are probably not people you want to hang out with or trust (I’m looking at you Ned).
- Someone is offering you Harrenhal? Decline.
- When it comes to revenge, you will probably die trying to get it… Unless you roll with Prince Doran, because he is a total baller.
- Avoid the Iron Islands people, especially the Greyjoys. They are all different kinds of crazy. (Except for Asha. Asha is dope.)
- “Sorcery is like a dagger without a hilt. There is no safe way to grasp it.” Don’t grab the hilt-less dagger. DON’T DO IT.
- Just because Danaerys can tame a dragon with a whip and ride on it into the the horizon does not mean that you can too. Danaerys is a Targaryan. The dragons are her children. Whipping a dragon and yelling “down” over and over will make them breathe fire on you and kill you (still heartbroken over this scene, George R.R.)
- Stay away from Catelyn Stark. Alive, she is annoying and has poor decision-making skills. Dead, she has a strange affinity for hanging people.
- Get as far away Ramsay Bolton as humanly possible. This is not only about survival, but also about having the will to live.
- Don’t hang out with the lord of light people. They’re crazy. Sure, a red priest might be able to resurrect you or see the future, but it’s not worth the risk of getting burned alive.
- That being said, if a red priest says something ominous, like, oh, I don’t know, you should keep your direwolf nearby because your sworn brothers are all plotting to murder you, you might want to heed the warning.
- Enough. About. The stupid. Songs. Being in a song is overrated. If you are thinking “at least I will be in a song” before you do something, it is probably a bad idea!
- If you hypothetically volunteer to be someone’s champion in a trial by combat, and even though your opponent is the size of a truck, you manage to stab him with a poisoned spear, maybe keep a 5-foot radius when he’s on the ground dying.
- Be Samwell Tarly.